Somewhere between juggling careers, parenting, caring for others, and surviving the storm of perimenopausal symptoms, desire can quietly slip away. For many women, it feels sudden. For others, it’s been fading for years. And almost everyone wonders:
“Is this normal?”
The answer is yes, and also no. It’s common. It’s complex. And it’s not something you simply have to accept.
Desire is not a switch that turns on or off. It’s a system influenced by hormones, brain chemistry, nervous system balance, emotional connection, relationship dynamics, self-image, and stress. And in perimenopause, many of these levers begin to shift.
This is Part 1 of a series of blogs that explores what sexual desire is (and isn’t), why it changes in midlife, and how you can better understand your own patterns, not just to “get it back,” but to reimagine what desire might look like in this phase of life.
In today’s post, we begin by laying the foundation.
What Is Sexual Desire, Really?
Sexual desire is often portrayed as spontaneous — a lightning bolt of wanting. But for most women, especially in long-term relationships and particularly in midlife, desire is much more responsive. It’s something that emerges under the right conditions — when we feel relaxed, connected, safe, and seen.
Desire is different from arousal.
- Arousal is the body’s physical readiness.
- Desire is the mental-emotional drive to seek sexual connection.
Both are important, but they don’t always occur in the same order, and they don’t always show up the way we expect.
In midlife, we’re often told our libido drops because of low oestrogen or low testosterone. And yes, hormonal changes absolutely play a role (we’ll explore that in depth in the next blog). But they’re not the full story.
Why Desire Changes in Perimenopause
Let’s look at some of the key factors that shape libido in this phase:
1. Hormonal Shifts
- Declining oestrogen can lead to vaginal dryness or discomfort.
- Irregular ovulation means less progesterone — your emotional buffer.
- Testosterone, while not the magic bullet, does contribute to sexual motivation.
2. Stress and Cortisol
- The midlife mental load is heavy. Chronic stress raises cortisol, which suppresses desire.
- Your nervous system prioritises survival over connection and desire fades.
3. Sleep and Energy
- Poor sleep is a libido killer. Fatigue reduces interest in all forms of pleasure.
4. Self-Perception
- Changes in body image, weight, skin, or muscle tone may shift how ‘desirable’ you feel — even if your partner hasn’t changed their view of you.
5. Relationship Dynamics
- Emotional distance, unresolved resentment, lack of intimacy — these aren’t fixed by hormones alone. Libido is relational.
You are whole, even when things feel unfamiliar.
So many women silently carry shame around libido loss. They wonder if something is wrong with them or if their relationship is doomed. But loss of desire is often a signpost, not a sentence. It’s a cue from your body that something needs attention, nourishment, or rebalancing.
In fact, this midlife transition can be an invitation. To reimagine intimacy, reset patterns, and reconnect with your body and your needs.
This isn’t about going back to how things used to be.
It’s about discovering what intimacy looks like now — and honouring who you are becoming.
Let’s gently reframe that familiar reassurance:
You’re not alone. You are whole, even when things feel unfamiliar
What’s Next
In the next blog in the series, we’ll explore: The Hormonal Thread: Oestrogen, Testosterone & Desire
You’ll learn:
- What testosterone really does (and doesn’t do)
- How hormonal patterns shift in perimenopause
- When to consider hormone therapy — and how to talk to your doctor
You are not alone in this. Let’s keep exploring — gently, honestly, and with science on our side.
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Hormones and Libido: Understanding Midlife Changes
Sleepless in Midlife: Practical Strategies for Managing Menopausal Sleep Disturbances
